Friday, September 14, 2007

"Better or worse?"

I failed an exam today. In fact it is the third time in last 2 months that I have failed the same eye exam. I don't like getting my eyes checked. Today, every time she turned the eye exam dial 'thing' it all looked the same! She was doing it so fast and asking "Better or worse? Better or worse...over and over. At one point I had to ask, "Better or worse than what? I can't remember which one is the original!" Needless to say, she was pretty frusterated with me. I think I need to find a new eye doctor.


j razz said...


Check this out. It reminded me of you. I think you will have a chuckle.

Here is the portion that applies:
I’m wearing new contact lenses. I just had my prescription changed after six years. You ever wait that long? And then you’re like, “Man! I can see!” How can “instantly improved vision” not be at the top of your “to-do” list? “Eh, I’ll see ya tomorrow. I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out.” So I- I go in for the eye test, and I don’t know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You know? You don’t want to get no “D” on that thing. End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses. [Holds hand like big lens] “I didn’t take it serious.” [Looks around cockeyed] “Are you still in here?” So I go in for the big eye exam, and I don’t know about, but I, you know, I- I’m sitting in that chair, and they slide that big, giant thing on my face. [Holds hands up] “Are these my glasses?!” He held up a pair of glass, “Do you like it better like this? Or like this?” “Do you like this one? Or this one? I like this one, but I have to see this one again. Wait a second, this one… Wait, when I think about it, this one…” What’s going on with that test? I drive my eye doctor nuts with it, because I can’t commit! I can feel him losing his patience. He’s like, “Do you like number one, or number two?” [Indecisive] “Oh, I don’t know…” “Okay, let’s do it again. Okay, number one, and number two.” [Exhales heavily] “I… I think we’re gonna be here a while.” I’m surprised he doesn’t cover one with black tape. “Is the other one clearer now? Get outta here.”

There’s too much pressure in the eye test. They do one test all the time. I don’t know what they’re looking for. All I know is, I get an anxiety attack in the middle of the damn thing. “Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B.” I’m like, [Mouth agape, shaking, muttering] “Uhhhh- NOW! No! NOW! NOW! THEN!” I don’t know. I don’t know when it happened. I’m worried if I’m off by an eighth of a second, I’ll get like these big, giant hubble “coming attraction” glasses. [Waves hands slowly in front of face] “Woah, you must have messed up that A-B test.” “Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles.” What are they improving? My ability to watch cars pass on the highway? “They pass NOW! And they pass NOW!” “Man, you’re nailing it on the noggin!”

It’s weird in the exam room, you know? It’s just him and me… It’s dark in there… The door’s closed. I feel weird when he slides his chair up, uncomfortably close to you. [Creeks and walks forward] He’s like this far from my face. [Holds fingers up to nose] And he shines like this goofy light into my eyes for about five minutes. [Beathes heavily] “How you doin there?” “I’m a little uncomfortable. Can you back up a tad? You want a piece of gum?” He asked if I wanted trifocals. I’ve been away from the eye doctor too long. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Trifocals? He goes, “Yeah, you can see three different distances depending on where you look through the lens. You can see close, medium, or far away.” I was like, I can’t even imagine getting used to that, alright? “There’s a book. There’s a plane. There’s alpha-centauri! Anybody have a need for that? “Is that a fly on my nose? Is that a comet?!”

So my eye doctor told me this, I’m not making it up. He goes, “You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?” “No… I didn’t know that.” He goes, “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just though you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.”

j razz

Anonymous said...

Too funny! I actually think I have the test memorized...I know the order of the letters!

The Williams said...

hey. you should go to burnett and burnett. they are WONDERFUL!!!!

Anonymous said...

That is what everyone tells me! I tried to go to them once but there was a problem with my insurance...but I think I am just going to try them again.

Susan Hunt said...

Whatever happened to those simple letter charts that they used to have??